Heads Up: This post discusses self-harm, including cutting and the draw of it. If that’s something that might be tough for you to read, please take that into consideration before reading more.

I never thought self-harm would hit so close to home. This is something that happens in other families, but not ours, at least I thought. Then the reality quickly set in. My teenager—my baby—was hurting in a way I couldn’t see, and they were using pain to cope with their feelings.

This journey has been such a struggle. There have been nights filled with tears, many moments of frustration, and an overwhelming need to understand—to figure out how to help them see the beauty in life again and a future. Watching my teen struggle with self-harm was a heartbreaking wake-up call. It made me realize that even the brightest and sweetest souls can carry deep, hidden pain that isn’t always easy to see but is very real.

My Teen’s Silent Cry

I’ll never forget the moment I started putting the pieces together. It was the little things. The bathroom trash can filling up with bandage wrappers, but yet no visible bandages. They were avoiding wearing short sleeves and shorts, even when it was hot. That’s when I realized my teen was self-harming—cutting their upper arms, thighs, and stomach. And my heart broke. The first time the cuts were revealed to me, I remember staring at all the small, precise marks, and I was speechless. My baby was hurting so badly, and I had no idea how to fix this. Eventually, I learned that for Ryan, my teen, those cuts were not just marks of pain; they were a way to feel something, to release emotions that felt overwhelming and unmanageable. In addition, for Ryan, there was something strangely comforting about seeing the blood. It was like a way to let out all the chaos in their head and release of pressure, even though it was a very short-lived feeling.

I was torn between horror, the instinct to protect and the desperate need to understand. As a mom, the knowledge that my child was hurting themselves was just heart-wrenching. The physical wounds were visible, but the invisible wounds—the emotional and psychological wounds—were even more daunting.

Understanding Self-Harm

Self-harm is complicated, and most people don’t really understand it. It’s not just about wanting to feel pain—it’s so much deeper than that. In my journey, I learned that self-harm is not simply an attention-seeking behavior or a bid for sympathy; it is a coping mechanism—an attempt to manage unbearable emotional pain. Ryan described self-harm to me like this: cutting provides a quick sense of relief and distraction from the inner turmoil in their head that feels impossible to put words to it.

For Ryan, self-harm wasn’t about wanting to die—it was about trying to cope.

Cutting was like a silent scream and a release to them. To me, this act was terrifying, but for them, it was a moment of relief, a way to release emotions that felt impossible for them to bear.

Recognizing the Signs of Self-Harm

One of the hardest parts of this journey was recognizing the signs that Ryan was hurting themself.  I didn’t see it early on, because my teen was hiding it well under clothing. Cutting is usually kept quiet, buried under secrecy and shame.

Below are some signs I learned to look for, but know this was our journey and is not an inclusive list.

• Unexplained Injuries: I kept a close eye for cuts, that are not typically exposed, such as the upper arms, thighs, or stomach. I would ask Ryan if I could see those areas without placing any judgement.
• Covering Up: When Ryan started wearing long sleeves and sweatpants during the summer heat that set off alarms.
• Possession of Sharp Objects: I kept my eyes out for sharp object such as scissors, razors, knives, or other potentially dangerous items that could be used for harmful activities.
• Isolation: I noticed that Ryan didn’t want to hang out with friends or our family as much and retreated to their bedroom more than normal.
• Skin Picking: This one was a big one for Ryan. Excessive picking at mosquito bites and nail beds until they bleed and excessive scratching their skin and scalp.

The Emotional Toll on a Parent

Parenting a teen who self-harms is an emotional rollercoaster. I love my child more than anything and watching them struggle is heartbreaking. This became our reality for about four years.

There were so many sleepless nights where I just laid there, staring at the ceiling, questioning everything. Had I missed the signs? Could I have done more? It’s easy for my mind to spiral into guilt, but over time, I began to understand—self-harm isn’t just an impulsive decision. It’s a release, a way to cope when words don’t seem to be the answer. At the end of the day, no matter how lost or overwhelmed I felt, I knew I had to be there and support Ryan. I worked to be their safe place—even on the days when I was barely keeping it together myself.

Steps Toward Healing From Self-Harm

Helping my teen through self-harm has been one of the hardest, most heartbreaking challenges I’ve ever faced as a mom. There were so many moments when I felt helpless, scared, panicked and unsure of what to do. But through trial and error, therapy, and a whole lot of love, we found ways to move forward. If you’re in this place right now, I want you to know—you’re not alone. Here are some of the things that helped us along the way.

1. Creating a Safe Space for Open Conversations

Talking about self-harm was terrifying for me at first. I worried I’d say the wrong thing or make things worse. But I quickly learned that avoiding the conversation wasn’t an option. I had to create a space where my teen felt safe to talk—without fear of judgment or punishment.

One thing that helped that I learned in therapy? Validating their emotions instead of rushing to “fix” things. Instead of saying, “Don’t do that to yourself,” I started saying, “I see that you’re hurting, and I’m here.” Just shifting my words made a huge difference.

I also tried to ask more open-ended questions. Instead of “Why did you do that?” (which can feel accusatory), I started asking, “Can you help me understand what you were feeling?” These conversations weren’t easy, but over time, they became more natural—and they helped us rebuild that trust.

2. Finding Professional Help

As much as I wanted to, there was no way I could do this alone. Self-harm is complex, and I didn’t get it, but I knew my teen needed more than just my love and support—they needed professional help. Therapy gave them tools I couldn’t provide, and honestly, it helped me a ton, too.

3. Discovering Healthier Coping Strategies

One of the biggest breakthroughs came when we started exploring alternative ways for my teen to cope with impulsive, overwhelming emotions. Instead of self-harming, the therapist suggested other outlets that helped them process their feelings in a healthier way:

Art Therapy: We discovered that painting, drawing, or even just doodling was a great way for my teen to express emotions without having to say a word. It was like a quiet release for everything they were feeling.

Journaling: Writing became a way for them to get their thoughts out of their head and onto paper before things got overwhelming. It helped them make sense of what they were feeling, and sometimes it felt like a huge weight was lifted after.

Physical Activity: We found that just getting outside for a walk together made a difference. And taking care of the pets—something as simple as that—helped them focus their energy on something positive and calming.

Mindfulness & Meditation: Sitting with tough emotions instead of pushing them away turned out to be way more helpful than I expected. It was like a whole new way of dealing with things. And little things, like fidget toys, kept their hands busy and helped manage that restless energy.

4. Creating a Safety Plan

When the urge to self-harm got too strong, we knew we needed a plan. So, we worked together to come up with a safety plan that would help when things felt out of control.

• Emergency Contacts: We made a list of people my teen could reach out to when things got really tough—whether that was me, a close friend, a therapist, or even a crisis hotline.
• Alternative Activities: We put together a list of things that could help distract them, like listening to music, going for a walk, or doing something creative.
• Safe Spaces: We identified spots in the house (or outside) where they could go to just breathe and feel safe.
• Removing Sharp Objects: This part wasn’t easy, but I made sure anything that could potentially hurt them wasn’t easily accessible.

5. Educating Myself (and Others)

I knew if I wanted to help my teen, I needed to understand what they were going through. I read books, joined support groups, and talked to mental health professionals. The more I learned, the more I realized that self-harm wasn’t about seeking attention—it was about coping with deep emotional pain. And most importantly, I learned that my teen wasn’t broken.

If you’re walking this path with your child, please know this: healing isn’t linear. There will be setbacks. There will be hard days. But there will also be progress, connection, and moments of hope. Keep showing up, keep listening and keep loving them through it. You’re not alone in this fight. 💙

Time to Step Up with Kindness

To all the parents, caregivers, and loved ones out there, please know you’re not alone. I know the pain feels isolating, but there’s a whole community of people who understand what you’re going through. I’ve been there. And even on the toughest days, I want you to remember that the love you have for your child is so powerful to offer them.

And to my teen, Ryan—thank you for putting in the hard work. I’m so proud of you working through your struggles and pushing through. It hasn’t been easy, but you’re showing up every single day, and that’s something incredible.

If you’re a parent going through this, here are a few things that helped me—and hopefully, they’ll help you too:

• Be Patient: Healing doesn’t happen overnight. There will be days when it feels like progress is slow, but trust me—there are victories, even if they’re tiny. Celebrate those moments.
• Be Present: Sometimes, just being there is all your child needs. Whether it’s listening without offering advice, giving them space to feel, or simply holding them, your presence is invaluable.
• Seek Support for Yourself: Caring for someone in pain can leave you drained. Make sure you’re getting the support you need, whether it’s through therapy or joining a support group for parents. You don’t have to carry this alone. And, don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. Self-care is extremely important.

I’ve learned that society often shames self-harm, making both the individual and their family feel like they’re hiding something shameful. But in the fight for a brighter tomorrow—a future where our kids can heal and truly thrive—we need to come together, break the silence, and challenge the stigma with compassion and understanding.

Helpful Resources

If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, please consider reaching out to these resources:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA): 988 or 1-800-273-8255 (available 24 hours a day)
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 How to Deal with Self-Harm
• Child Mind Institute: Help for Cutting and Other Self-Injury
• Cornell Research Program: Self-Injury & Recovery and Top 15 misconceptions of self-injury
• YoungMinds: Self-harm
• The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ Youth): Support for LGBTQ+ Self-Harm Recovery

Additionally, many communities have local mental health services and crisis centers that can offer immediate assistance and ongoing therapy. If you are located in Virginia, reach out to your local Community Service Board. Online support groups and forums can also provide a safe space to share experiences and learn from others who have walked a similar path.

Wrapping This Up: Ryan’s Strength, Our Journey

Sharing this has been hard—really hard. Watching my child struggle with self-harm, feeling completely helpless so many times, and trying to figure out how to be the support they need—it’s been a rollercoaster. There have been days filled with fear, exhaustion, and guilt. But then, there are the good days. The days when Ryan cracks a joke, when we have a real, honest conversation, or when I see them taking steps toward healing, even if they’re small.

But let’s be real—Ryan is the one doing the heavy lifting. They’re the one facing the pain, showing up for themselves, and fighting through the hard moments. I can be here to love and support them, but they are the one putting in the work, and I couldn’t be prouder.

If you’re a parent or caregiver going through this, I see you. It’s scary, it’s exhausting, and some days, it feels like you’re failing. But you’re not. Just showing up, just loving your kid through it, that’s everything.

FAQs

1. What is self-harm and why do teens do it?

Self-harm, like cutting, is a coping mechanism. It’s not about seeking attention—it’s a way to manage overwhelming emotions when words just don’t feel like enough or you aren’t able to express them. My teen felt a since of short-term relief by cutting and was easier to handle than the emotional pain.

1. How should I respond if I discover that my teenagers is hurting themselves?

Breathe deeply. Try to maintain your composure; I know it’s frightening. Telling your teen that you are there for them, rather than punishing or embarrassing them, is the most crucial thing. You could say something along these lines:

“I just wanted to check in since I’ve seen certain things that bother me. I’m here to listen, and I love you.”

It’s okay if they don’t open up straight away. Remind them again that they are not alone. And consider reaching out to a therapist, local mental health resources or school guidance counselor.

3. Is self-harm a sign that my child is suicidal?

Not necessarily. While self-harm is very serious and should never be ignored, some teens who engage in self-harm are not trying to end their lives. For some, it’s a coping mechanism to deal with intense emotions. That said, self-harm can increase the risk of suicidal thoughts, so it’s important to check in regularly and seek professional guidance if you’re worried.

4. How do I talk to my teen about self-harm without making things worse?

Starting the conversation can feel overwhelming, but the key is to approach it with empathy rather than fear or judgment. Instead of demanding answers or reacting with panic, try saying something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling, and I want you to know I’m here for you. Can we talk about what’s going on?”

It’s important to listen more than you speak. Avoid phrases like “Why are you doing this?” or “You need to stop,” as they can make your teen shut down. Instead, validate their feelings and remind them they don’t have to face this alone. If they’re not ready to talk, let them know you’ll be there whenever they are. Keeping the door open for conversation builds trust over time.

5. What are some healthier alternatives to self-harm?

Every person is different, but here are some things that helped my teen:

• Art therapy – Drawing, painting, or even scribbling helped them express emotions.
• Journaling – Writing out feelings gave them an outlet for their thoughts.
• Physical movement – A walk outside, yoga, or even just stretching provided a way to release built-up emotions.
• Fidget toys or sensory objects – Something as simple as squeezing a stress ball or holding an ice cube helped manage overwhelming urges.
• Mindfulness techniques – Breathing exercises and meditation helped them sit with emotions instead of pushing them away.

Encouraging these alternatives takes time, and there will be setbacks—but every effort counts.

6. How can I take care of myself while supporting my child?

This is a tough journey, and I won’t sugarcoat it—it’s exhausting. But you have to take care of yourself, too. Find your own support system, whether it’s therapy, a support group, or even just talking to a friend who understands. Burnout is real, and you can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritize your mental health so you can be the support your teen needs.

7. Where can I find more help and resources?

There are many organizations dedicated to supporting those affected by self-harm and mental health challenges. In addition to the crisis and helpline numbers mentioned earlier, consider reaching out to local mental health departments, support groups, or online communities dedicated to self-harm recovery. Your healthcare provider can also offer guidance tailored to your situation.